Packet Crimes – Hunting Down the Jerk Flooding Your Network
Dear IT detectives,
It’s always the same story. You’re packing up at 4:59 PM, dreaming of pizza rolls and Netflix, when suddenly the helpdesk phones light up like a slot machine. Half the office lost Wi-Fi, the other half can’t print, and your monitoring dashboard looks like it just discovered EDM. Congratulations: you’ve got a packet crime on your hands.
Welcome to today’s case: The Flooder in the LAN.
🕵️♂️ Suspect Lineup
The Rogue DHCP Server – Some well-meaning intern “just set up a quick DHCP service” on their laptop. Half the network now thinks the gateway is 192.168.666.1.
The Loopy Switch – Because someone didn’t believe in Spanning Tree, and now we’re in Groundhog Day: Packet Edition.
The Zombie IoT Device – A “smart” coffee machine that’s been zombified and is now spamming the network like it’s on a botnet payroll.
The Malware Rager – That one Windows laptop blasting UDP packets like it’s auditioning for Fast & Furious 12: Layer 2 Drift.
🔍 Detective Tools of the Trade
You don’t solve packet crimes with vibes. You need gear:
tcpdump & Wireshark – The trench coat and magnifying glass of packet detectives. “Follow the ARP trail, kid, it’ll always lead you to the truth.”
NetFlow/sFlow/IPFIX – Think CCTV for your traffic. If you’ve ever wanted to feel like Batman watching Gotham’s streets, this is it.
SPAN/RSPAN – Mirror, mirror on the switch, show me which port’s a snitch.
Vendor Toys – Aruba Central, Meraki, UniFi, etc. Aka the “detective shows” that solve everything in 45 minutes (if you pay enough licensing).
🚨 Fingerprints at the Scene
Broadcast Storms – That one port vomiting frames faster than you can say “storm-control.”
ARP Floods – Suddenly everyone thinks the printer is the gateway. Spoiler: it’s not.
UDP Floods – TCP? Never heard of her. Just vibes and packets.
🪤 The Bust
Here’s how you slap the cuffs on your packet perp:
Shut down the guilty port. (Bonus points if you announce it over Teams like you’re a cop reading Miranda rights.)
Configure storm-control and port security like you should’ve done months ago.
Deploy DHCP snooping so you don’t have to play “Which device just made my CEO’s laptop unusable?” ever again.
Take a deep breath, sip coffee, and remember: the packets may be innocent, but the users never are.
⚖️ Case Closed
Another packet crime solved, another sysadmin emotionally scarred. Until tomorrow—when the VoIP system is falsely accused, and you’re forced to explain to management that no, Karen, the internet isn’t “broken,” it’s just your laptop connected to the rogue hotspot named ‘FreeOfficeWiFi’.
Stay vigilant, detectives. And if all else fails, blame the firewall. It can’t defend itself.
💾 Missing Evidence
Think you’ve solved the case? Not quite. Paid subscribers get access to The Evidence Locker — complete with real configs (storm-control, DHCP snooping, port security), Wireshark filters, and detective tricks that’ll actually save your network next time.
👉 Upgrade to unlock the full case file.
👀 JJ – Chief Packet Pusher