☁️ The Cloud Decoder – Part 2: Speak Cloudish
When “Blob” Just Means “Storage,” and “Serverless” Still Runs on Servers
🗣️ Remember When Tech Terms Made Sense?
Once upon a time, you had servers, switches, and storage.
Now you’ve got instances, blobs, and functions-as-a-service — all running on “infinite scalability,” which apparently means infinite billing possibilities.
If you’ve ever read a cloud whitepaper and felt like you needed Google Translate for English-to-Marketing, this issue’s for you.
Welcome to Part 2 of The Cloud Decoder, where we decode the dialect spoken by the High Priests of Pay-Per-Compute.
☁️ Cloudish → English Cheat Sheet
Object Storage / Blob / Bucket
💬 A glorified folder in someone else’s data center.
🧠 “Your files, but now with transaction fees.”
Compute / EC2 / VM Instance
💬 A virtual server.
🧠 Same thing you’ve been patching since 2003, now charged per second.
Resource Group / Project / Subscription
💬 A container for billing and chaos.
🧠 “All your mistakes live here.”
Region / Zone
💬 Fancy word for “data center location.”
🧠 Where your data physically lives (and where compliance hides).
Lambda / Function / Cloud Run
💬 Code execution without caring about servers.
🧠 “Serverless” = still servers, just someone else’s problem.
Security Group / NACL
💬 Firewalls with commitment issues.
🧠 Default: deny everything you need and allow what you shouldn’t.
VPC / Virtual Network
💬 VLAN’s awkward cloud cousin.
🧠 Same routing drama, now with JSON.
🤖 Marketing vs. Reality
Marketing: “Serverless lets you focus on code, not infrastructure.”
Reality: You now manage 27 permissions, 3 IAM roles, and one mysterious timeout.
Marketing: “Pay only for what you use.”
Reality: Until you forget to delete the test environment called dev-pls-dont-bill-me.
📚 Why Cloud Docs Hate Clarity
Ever click a doc link that says “It’s simple!” and end up six tabs deep in acronyms?
Every vendor’s documentation reads like it was written by a committee of lawyers, marketers, and one tired engineer who just wanted to go home.
Example:
“To deploy your function, first configure your function app inside your function plan associated with your function storage account within your resource group.”
Translation: “Make a folder. Name it something. Hope it runs.”
💬 Fake It Till You Make It (on a Cloud Call)
Need to sound fluent during a vendor meeting? Try these:
• “We’re leveraging serverless to optimize our event-driven workloads.” (You deployed one Lambda and forgot it exists.)
• “We’re re-evaluating our IaC pipeline.” (You opened Terraform once and cried.)
• “We’re adopting a multi-region strategy.” (You spun up a VM in us-east-1 by accident.)
🚀 Next Week: Old School vs. Cloud School
We’ll map your VLANs, routers, and ACLs to their cloud equivalents (and yes, STP still hates you).
💰 Want the Unredacted Glossary of Cloud Buzzwords?
Keep reading for the Extended Edition below — where we dissect serverless, containers, and the naming crimes of modern cloud vendors.
— JJ – Chief Packet Pusher
theconfigreport.com